why I don’t cruise

my friend Mimi says
she’s leaving town
and tells me that she’s going cruising
NOT in the Volvo
I say to her
not tonight – please
because it’s in no condition
to be on the street

and neither are you

dear Mimi
for that matter
but she laughs and
we order more wine
(Bordeaux)
and she says she’s
cruising to
the Caribbean
to Nassau
and St. Kitts
and Barbuda
Barbuda?? What the hell??
Where the hell??
I tell her that you couldn’t get me
on a boat, for any price
Because
I can’t swim
I have scanty identification
I am of uncertain national origin
I’ve been investigated
and I have:
pale complexion
unpaid parking tickets
in the city of Margate
a delicate constitution
and my night vision
is compromised
to say nothing of the fact
that
my second wife
depleted my savings
my MasterCard is rescinded
so therefore, I have no inclination
to gamble with
Norovirus
nor with
real estate agents from Paducah
or CPAs from White Plains
nor with
long winded Dallas day traders
who cruise
with their platinum haired
mistresses
and I refuse to
listen to the confused ramblings
of a misplaced heiress
in the throes of delirium tremens
so I shall remain here –
until proverbial hell
freezes —
and again I say to Mimi
I’ll remain ashore
my feet in the sand
my dry elbows on
polished teak
right here
until the Bamboo Bar runs dry.

 

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2 thoughts on “why I don’t cruise

  1. I can swim (poorly) but I agree with just about all of the above. Plus when I’m on vacation, the last thing I want is a schedule — I don’t want to have to be on the Lido deck to catch a boat then a bus then a cab to a final destination where I can stay for 15 minutes before I have to retrace my steps. Nope. That and norovirus and stopped toilets!

  2. Thanks for reading, Elyse. I have had this poem sitting around for awhile, as I pretty much just wrote it for myself one day. I didn’t really plan to post it, because I didn’t think anyone would share my feelings. Glad you can relate!!

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